Unfortunately, I wasn't in class last Wednesday to write a letter to someone in my life; I would have chosen to write to my sister, Lauren, a seventeen-year-old who means everything to me. Currently, we aren't speaking to each other, and haven't really had a full conversation in two months. Two months seems like an eternity; I miss my best friend. So this blog entry is dedicated to her.
Dear Lauren,
I'm sorry for a lot of things. Mostly, I'm sorry that it has taken this long for me to tell you how I feel. But I'm also sorry for whatever I did to hurt you or drive you away. I feel like you're Alaska and I'm Florida, not even remotely connected to each other. I miss you everyday, and maybe you don't miss me at all, or think about us and our relationship, but it kills me to know that you can't possibly miss me as much as I miss you.Miguel is leaving for college tomorrow. College. Our cousin, our brother. And when he leaves, I don't know what I'm going to do without him, because I don't even have you to fall back on anymore. I'm sad all the time about us. When something happens, I pull out my phone to text you, and then stop, thinking, will she even respond?
I went to your back-to-school night last night, to meet your teachers and see my old ones, and I was brave enough to text you about Mr. X being so hot still, and got no response. It's the little times like these that I really miss you. I want to talk to you about school, about your senior year, about freaking Lord of the Flies (which according to Mrs. X, you should have read for today), and about bowling. But no, I can't, silence is my only friend when it comes to you lately.
I know I did things to hurt you. You won't tell me what I did wrong, I only hear from Mom and Dad, and when I ask you directly to talk about things, you say no, like it's not a big deal. I am your sister. I was there for the last 17 years, you can't just throw me away like garbage, and honestly, that's how you make me feel. Like I'm worthless, like you don't miss me at all, or think about the way things used to be. I know I'm at fault for a lot of it. But you need to face up to your mistakes too. Sometimes I don't even recognize you anymore- you treat our family with no respect, and even when you spend time with us you're not really there are you? When I see you, I don't hear your laugh, or the sound of your voice, all I hear is the click, click, click of your fingers flying over your phone. Even when we were kind of talking, I felt awkward being around you, and it shouldn't be like that at all.A good example would be Monday night bowling during the summer, how I would show up to watch, and I , not you, would be the one talking to your bowling friends. You're so quiet, so rude, and so bitchy sometimes to people that it drives me insane that you could be like that.
Everything I have said to you, was just in response to something you did or said to me. I know that I was harsh a few times about things that aren't really any of my business, but I'm always looking out for your very best interests, because you deserve the world. I never meant to hurt you. I'm so proud of you. I live to watch you bowl, and even last night, even though we're so strained, I couldn't stop talking about how proud I am of your bowling to your teachers. I even busted on Mr. H because your picture wasn't on his newspaper-covered wall. That being said, I can't even begin to describe the way that your texts to me make me feel. I remember once, I had just sent you a two-page text, venting about work, and your response was, "I don't give a fuck anyway....try not to waste my time next time, thanks :)" Really? Do I really deserve that?
I know you have friends, and that you want to be with them all the time, and that's fine; I now have friends that I spend most of my time with too. But you don't have to treat me and other people in our family like total trash, it's completely unnecessary. We deserve the same amount of respect that you give your friends at least.
I just miss you Lauren. I miss talking to you, laughing and joking with you. I can't even look at my statuses on Facebook from a year ago, because they're all about the fun times we use to have, and it hurts. I don't CARE that you want to go to Kutztown; I will be at every single tournament with maroon on my back, keeping your score while Nana cheers, "Throw that Stamm ball!" and if you don't even want to bowl in college, I'll support you. I just want us back. Everyone at Berks Lanes can't believe that this has happened to us, everyone knows how close we used to be. Can we ever get back there? I only hope.
I said a lot in this letter, but a lot was left unsaid. I know someday we'll be okay again. But I'm done doing the apologizing. I'm done worrying about it, because obviously you don't care enough to try to fix it. Yes, that's the knife driving deeper into my chest, but what can I do about it, but just sit here and type this letter?
I love you.
Kayla
